My Pick In The Vikings Vs Packers Playoff Game

Who should I root for in the NFC wild card game? I've been a Green Bay Packers fan for the last five or six years, but I couldn't be called a die-hard. I was a Minnesota Vikings fan when I was growing up, and perhaps I should give them my loyalty again now that I am living in St. Paul. Before I cheer for either, I need to weigh the evidence. Anyone who has discussed sports with me will tell you that I take a lot into consideration in choosing favorites. Here's my score card.

Round 1: The Quarterbacks. Who Is Hotter? The 2012 Stats

Aaron Rodgers
Passer Rating: 108.0
Yards: 4,295
Touchdowns: 39
Completion Percentage: 67.2
QB Rating: 72.5
Passer Rating vs MN: 116.0
Passer Rating last game (vs MN 12/30): 131.8
Fantasy Football Average: 20.6
Fantasy Football Total: 329

Christian Ponder
Passer Rating: 81.2
Yards: 2,935
Touchdowns:18
Completion Percentage: 62.1
QB Rating: 53.8
Passer Rating vs GB: 83.3
Passer Rating last game (vs GB 12/30): 83.3
Fantasy Football Average: 11.3
Fantasy Football Total: 180
 



Winner: Aaron Rodgers. Thus concludes the statistical analysis portion of my assessment.


Round 2: State Political Leadership
Minnesota: Minnesota gets a big head start in this category because the Democrats are really members of the Democratic Farm Labor Party (DFL), and that's throwing down old-school progressive style. The state's delegation in the US House includes Michele Bachmann, the bat-shit crazy Tea Party queen with whom I am a little obsessed. However, it also includes Keith Ellison who is pretty great, and there are more members from the DFL than Republicans. Senator Amy Klobuchar and Governor Mark Dayton are both good liberals albeit a bit bland. I've saved the best for last: SENATOR AL FRANKEN. He's a rock star.

Wisconsin: If there's any politician that I love to hate as much as Bachmann, it's Paul Ryan, the US House delegate from Wisconsin's 1st district--I have him to thank for much of the Schadenfreude I experienced after the 2012 election. Overall, the delegation is a bit more conservative than the purple state should have. By far the brightest spot in Wisconsin politics is Tammy Baldwin, the first openly LGBT person in the US Senate (fyi: I'd love her even if she weren't a lesbian because her politics are fabulous). Of course, low point of Wisconsin politics is Governor Scott Walker whose anti-labor policies are not only unconstitutional but also hypocritical. As if that weren't bad enough, Walker also wants to engage in voter suppression.

Winner: Minnesota. Sorry, Tammy.

Round 3: The Quarterback Redux. Who Is Hotter? My Completely Subjective Opinion 
Please keep in mind, in all discussions of male hotness, the question is not: Would I sleep with him? As my friend Betty likes to remind me, that's a very low bar. Athletes' and other celebrities' hotness must be judged against a higher standard.

Aaron Rodgers

Rodgers is definitely good-looking in that aw-shucks, guy-next-door way--what some friends and I like to call a CYD (Cute, Young Dad).

However, he sometimes takes a turn for the douche. Backwards baseball caps are never okay. Unfortunately, being a douche does not necessarily make a guy unattractive to me.

 Rodgers certainly does, as my mother would say, "clean up nice".

Dude, I know it's the off season and you're on vacation, but come on. You're a professional athlete, and you're shirtless pictures should be much better than this.

Christian Ponder

Ponder is okay, I guess, if you like that classically handsome, all-American type. Oh... wait... I love the classically handsome, all-American type.

Even when he has a sadz which--let's face it--given his tendency for turnovers is often, Ponder is still gorgeous. He broods good.

I'm afraid I must deduct a few points for looking like a complete dorkasaurus off the field. Then again, looking bad in a suit can be forgiven...

...because this is how an NFL quarterback should look without his shirt on.

Winner: Christian Ponder. Call me, maybe? Don't worry, this isn't a gay thing, it's a football thing.

Round 4: Team Ownership

The Minnesota Vikings are owned by a bunch of rich guys. While I love that he principal owner has the unlikely and fantastic name of Zygi Wilf, it's not at all cool that the owners are trying to fleece fans with seat fees to build their new stadium.

The Green Bay Packers are the only non-profit, community-owned major league professional sports team in the United States. Their annual shareholders meeting may be the best thing ever.

Winner: The City of Green Bay. No contest on this one.

Round 5: The Wacky Sidekicks

Let's face it, the quarterbacks may be the handsome stars, but both Rodgers and Ponder are lacking in the personality department (i.e., they are dull as dishwater). Fortunately, they both have a teammate with a surplus of personality. Packers linebacker Clay Matthews (a.k.a. Fabio of the NFL) and Chris Kluwe (foul mouthed libertarian and gamer nerd) bring much needed spark, and both are easy on the eyes to boot. Let's judge them head to head shall we?

Kluwe tends to be a bit stoic on the sidelines. Also, the hair (especially the facial hair) is not great. Whereas, Matthews, of course, loves to take off his helmet and let his famous blond mane fly. 

It's a glorious site.

Point for Matthews.

It's one thing to work it in a football uniform, but much harder to get your sexy on out of uniform.

Kluwe looking lean and mean in his selfie. I'm a sucker for guys with iPhones. In fact, I first saw Kluwe on this VERY NSFW Tumblr--really, don't click it unless you want to see peen.

Matthews is more of a traditional muscle guy, but it's, I don't know, a bit forced or plastic or something. Also, does anyone else suspect a little photoshopping going on around the abs?

Point for Kluwe and his sexy DIY realness.

Who's got the moves like Jagger? Let's check out their celebratory dances on the field.

Kluwe should leave dancing to the Sugar Hill Gang's "Apache (Jump On It)" to Will and Carlton.
Point for Matthews and his "Magic Mike" moves.

Winner: Chris Kluwe. Those of you counting points and claiming Matthews beat Kluwe 2 to 1 are forgetting that Kluwe has been a huge advocate of Marriage Equality in Minnesota (and beyond). This year he won the affection of the gays including me. He was even a cover boy for Out Magazine.

Round 6: The Fans 
The Minnesota Vikings Fans are as enthusiastic as any team's...

..and the Viking look can be intimidating...

...but it's still fun and comes with the a prop capable of holding A LOT of beer.

Finally, this group almost got the Vikings fans a win:

Green Bay Packers Fans, however, will not be beaten easily.

Cheeseheads are "special" in every sense of the word.

There's even a whole subcategory of fans for Wisconsin "ladies"--the Cheeseboobs. (Actually, I just made up the term "Cheeseboobs" now, but it fits perfectly. Let's try to use it and get it to catch on.)

Another thing, it's fucking freezing cold and snowing at like half the home games in Lambreau Field, and these idiots think nothing of wearing just body paint on their torsos.

Winner: The Cheeseheads! Now, go buy some green and gold parkas for the game.

THE SCORE IS TIED: 3 ROUNDS FOR THE PACKERS AND 3 FOR THE VIKINGS.
 The tie-breaking factor for me is what it may well be in the game: Adrian Peterson.
Perhaps you've heard about this Peterson fellow. He came up just 9 yards short of the all time rushing yards record in an all-around very impressive year. He'll almost certainly win the the 2012 NFL MVP Award. Did I mention that Peterson tore his ACL last year, and his amazing season the great sports comeback story of the year? As if all that weren't enough, there's this...

 

...and there's this...

..and, thank you, God, there's this:

Ladies & Gentlemen, we have a winner...THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS REIGN VICTORIOUS IN THE EPIC BATTLE FOR MY ALLEGIANCE. Apologies to the Packers for dropping them at the last minute, but the evidence speaks for itself and my logic is airtight.

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PS: Confidential to Aaron Rodgers

Dear Aaron, you could have won Round 3: "The Quarterback Redux. Who Is Hotter? My Completely Subjective Opinion" and thus the whole enchilada if you hadn't been a jerk to my future ex-husband Mark Sanchez last year. You called this GQ photo spread "embarrassing":

Trust me, these pictures are nothing to be ashamed of. Your comments smacked a bit too much of enforcing traditional gender stereotypes about masculinity. Also, there's a bit of pitting the "real America" against New York City--which is totally uncool. Finally, if you want to criticize Sanchez, stick to his play on the field. There's more than enough material there.

Sincerely, Koko

PPS: Sorry, Mark Sanchez. You know I love you, but that gif of your butt fumble is hilarious.