Team Koko Draft Picks

Baseball season has begun! That mean fantasy baseball is also underway. Of course during my league's draft, I lost many of my favorite players to the other owners who are all bastard people and I hate their ass faces. Still, I'm pretty happy with the lineup and am optimistic about the season. Introducing--in an exciting countdown from last draft pick to first--Team Koko 2013:

#23) Tommy Hanson, Starting Pitcher, Los Angeles Angels
Don't get too attached to Ginger Bear. I'll trade him in a New York minute if need be.

#22) Edwin Jackson, Starting Pitcher, Chicago Cubs
Hey Handsome! I'll be sorry to trade him, but trade him I may because as a pitcher (but only as an MLB pitcher) he's sort of average.

#21) Dexter Fowler, Outfield, Colorado Rockies
He has mad skills, but I still don't really believe his team exists--so it's sort of a draw. The name "Dexter" might tip the scales in favor of keeping him around.

#20) Ryan Vogelsong, Starting Pitcher, San Francisco Giants
I feel like Vogelsong gets overshadowed by Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum on the Giants pitching staff, but I'm really happy to have him on my team. He's solid.

#19) Jason Grilli, Relief Pitcher, Pittsburgh Pirates
First, completely unrelated to the draft of the season, I have to say I love this picture--it's old school like the Pirates. Not much to say about Grilli except that I hope he delivers a lot of saves for me.

#18) Jeremy Hellickson, Starting Pitcher, Tampa Bay Rays
Oops, there seems to be some mistake and I drafted a Little League player and one who plays for a Florida team.
NB: I hate all teams from Florida--not just the Rays and the Marlins but every team in every sport be they professional, college, high school or any other level. I may have to trade him the first week.

#17) Derek Jeter, Short Stop, New York Yankees
That's right. Derek F'ing Jeter is on Team Koko again this year. I really had to resist drafting Jeter in an earlier round. I know he's old and allegedly in decline, but he did me right last year. Plus, I love him in the gay way. It's a win-win all around.

#16) Wade Miley, Starting Pitcher, Arizona Diamondbacks
Um... okay... sure, why not?
Side question: When did MLB bullpens all start looking like one of any number of bars named "The Eagle"?

#15) Miguel Montero, Catcher, Arizona Diamondbacks
I had braced myself for the fact that I probably wasn't going to get Buster Posey for Team Koko's catcher again this year, but I was really upset when my Plan B catcher, Joe Mauer, went early in the draft. I feel bad for Miguel Montero since I picked him out of desperation. I hope it works out between us.
Another side question: Am I the only person who thinks baseball catchers gear is sexy?

#14) Addison Reed, Relief Pitcher, Chicago White SoxHe seems very flexible.

#13) Jonathan Niese, Starting Pitcher, New York Mets
We had sort of an on-again/off-again relationship last year. I'm expecting it to be more of the same this year.

#12) Ike Davis, First Base, New York Mets
The picture says it all, really.

#11) Brandon Morrow, Starting Pitcher, Toronto Blue Jays
Considering I picked him fairly early, you'd think I'd have stronger feelings about him. I think he's, I don't know, fine? I was really stressed out at this point during the draft, so I probably just took him because ESPN had him ranked as the best available player. Panic is a really great way to run a team.

#10) Pablo Sandoval, Third Base, San Francisco Giants
That's right, he loves baseball so much--he put a ring on it! Meet the 2012 World Series MVP and my third baseman, Pablo Sandoval.

#9) Mariano Rivera, Relief Pitcher, New York Yankees
Best. Closer. Ever. Added bonus for being the last active player to wear the greatest number in baseball.

#8) Jonathan Papelbon, Relief Pitcher, Philadelphia Phillies
I have a suspicion that Papelbon is an enormous douchebag, but sometimes in sports (as in life) we must work with terrible people with a lot of talent in order to succeed. I'm not here to make imaginary friends--I'm here to dominate a make-believe sport.

#7) Jason Kipnis, Second Base, Cleveland Indians
I'll be okay with Kipnis as long as he wears this cap and not the one with the other hateful logo.

#6) Matt Holliday, Outfield, St. Louis Cardinals
Seriously, the MLB is one beer blast away from turning into a bear bar.

#5) Jacoby Ellsbury, Outfield, Boston Red Sox
The draft clearly wasn't going well for me if I sank so low as to take someone from the hateful Red Sox. Still, I like the Fosse moves and jazz hands while running the bases.

#4) Jose Reyes, Shortstop, Toronto Blue Jays
I wish Reyes was still a Met. Oh well... Happy to have him anyway.

#3) Bryce Harper, Outfield, Washington Nationals
I love how my Bryce Harper loves playing baseball. He is really fun to watch. Plus, he seems like what my father would call "a good egg" and his Tweets (@bharper3407) are adorable.

#2) Justin Verlander, Starting Pitcher, Detroit Tigers
Just because it's an obvious pick doesn't mean there's no strategy behind it. I will use Verlander to get inside my opponents heads and make them fear me. Bonus: Verlander is down with the gays.

#1) Joey Votto, First Base, Cincinnati Reds
Sigh...

These 23 men are the foundation of my pretend sports empire this summer. Stay tuned for updates.