Team Koko 2014

Baseball begins today*, so it's time to introduce the 2014 Team Koko line up. Last year, we took second in the Mark Bar fantasy league, and this year, we plan to win it all. PLAY BALL!
  
NB: This is not my All-Star Team. The selection process for that is very different since I'm not competing against other in a draft and so am free to pick (or not pick) at will. Also, I can be more idealistic and less pragmatic for the All-Star picks and, not take players from teams I hate (such as The Team That Shall Not Be Named) no matter how good they are.
 

Derek Jeter, Shortstop, NY Yankees
Anyone who didn't think I would draft The Captain in his last season should just stop reading now.

Mike Trout, Outfield, LA Angels
I hear this kid is pretty good.

Jonathan Lucroy, Catcher, Milwaukee Brewers
The first of many beards on the team. I'm convinced that MLB has a stealth marketing campaign to the Bear Community.

Adrian Gonzalez, 1st Base, L.A. Dodgers

Jason Kipnis, 2nd Base, Cleveland Indians
Fielding doesn't count in our league, but I love this picture.

Pedro Alvarez, 3rd Base, Pittsburgh Pirates

Shin-Soo Choo, Outfield, Texas Rangers
Someone should write a dissertation on this picture and the, um, "problematic" racial issues in MLB it represents.

Jayson Werth, Outfield, Washington Nationals
Jayson seems to be under the mistaken impression that he plays for a Williamsburg, Brooklyn kickball team.

Alfonso Soriano, Outfield, NY Yankees
*sigh*

Nelson Cruz, Outfield, Baltimore Orioles

Billy Butler, DH/Utility, KC Royals
I have a soft spot for Billy Butler, but he wasn't the most practical pick since he can only play "utility" in our league and not cover other positions. In other words, don't get too attached to him.

José Reyes, Shortstop, Toronto Blue Jays
The Amish-style beard is an interesting choice.

Miguel Montero, Catcher, Arizona Diamondbacks
It's always good to have two catchers on a fantasy team, and he was the best one still available late in the draft. I'm happy I chose him now that I've seen this pic.

Adam Wainwright, Starting Pitcher, St. Louis Cardinals
I wish I had more Cardinals on my team, but if I have to have only one, this is the one I want.

Yovani Gallardo, Starting Pitcher, Milwaukee Brewers
What a cool and adorable family.

Mike Minor, Starting Pitcher, Atlanta Braves

R.A. Dickey, Starting Pitcher, Toronto Blue Jays
One word: KNUCKLEBALL.

Dan Straily, Starting Pitcher, Oakland A's
I love the diversity of MLB. Here's a GINGER beard.

Zack Greinke, Starting Pitcher, LA Dodgers
Hi, Zack K!

Zach Wheeler, Starting Pitcher, NY Mets
Hi, Zach H!
(A little inside joke for Kids In The Hall fans.)

Jason Grilli, Relief Pitcher, Pittsburgh Pirates
Werq that mullet! I think Jason secretly wishes he played hockey.

Joe Nathan, Relief Pitcher, Detroit Tigers
I have been accused of letting The Little Manager make my decisions (if you know what I mean), but Joe here is proof that is not the case. He's not a bad looking guy, but he is doing everything in his power to make himself look unattractive. Still, even with the awful chin scruff to the douchey shirt to the just plain stupid necklace, he's on Team Koko.

Huston Street, Relief Pitcher, San Diego Padres
Then again, sometimes The Little Manager makes some good picks.

John Lackey, Starting Pitcher, The Evil Empire
UGH. Sometimes baseball is a dirty game that forces us to lie down with dogs.

*I don't count the first two "official" games because Australia.

Team Koko Draft Picks

Baseball season has begun! That mean fantasy baseball is also underway. Of course during my league's draft, I lost many of my favorite players to the other owners who are all bastard people and I hate their ass faces. Still, I'm pretty happy with the lineup and am optimistic about the season. Introducing--in an exciting countdown from last draft pick to first--Team Koko 2013:

#23) Tommy Hanson, Starting Pitcher, Los Angeles Angels
Don't get too attached to Ginger Bear. I'll trade him in a New York minute if need be.

#22) Edwin Jackson, Starting Pitcher, Chicago Cubs
Hey Handsome! I'll be sorry to trade him, but trade him I may because as a pitcher (but only as an MLB pitcher) he's sort of average.

#21) Dexter Fowler, Outfield, Colorado Rockies
He has mad skills, but I still don't really believe his team exists--so it's sort of a draw. The name "Dexter" might tip the scales in favor of keeping him around.

#20) Ryan Vogelsong, Starting Pitcher, San Francisco Giants
I feel like Vogelsong gets overshadowed by Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum on the Giants pitching staff, but I'm really happy to have him on my team. He's solid.

#19) Jason Grilli, Relief Pitcher, Pittsburgh Pirates
First, completely unrelated to the draft of the season, I have to say I love this picture--it's old school like the Pirates. Not much to say about Grilli except that I hope he delivers a lot of saves for me.

#18) Jeremy Hellickson, Starting Pitcher, Tampa Bay Rays
Oops, there seems to be some mistake and I drafted a Little League player and one who plays for a Florida team.
NB: I hate all teams from Florida--not just the Rays and the Marlins but every team in every sport be they professional, college, high school or any other level. I may have to trade him the first week.

#17) Derek Jeter, Short Stop, New York Yankees
That's right. Derek F'ing Jeter is on Team Koko again this year. I really had to resist drafting Jeter in an earlier round. I know he's old and allegedly in decline, but he did me right last year. Plus, I love him in the gay way. It's a win-win all around.

#16) Wade Miley, Starting Pitcher, Arizona Diamondbacks
Um... okay... sure, why not?
Side question: When did MLB bullpens all start looking like one of any number of bars named "The Eagle"?

#15) Miguel Montero, Catcher, Arizona Diamondbacks
I had braced myself for the fact that I probably wasn't going to get Buster Posey for Team Koko's catcher again this year, but I was really upset when my Plan B catcher, Joe Mauer, went early in the draft. I feel bad for Miguel Montero since I picked him out of desperation. I hope it works out between us.
Another side question: Am I the only person who thinks baseball catchers gear is sexy?

#14) Addison Reed, Relief Pitcher, Chicago White SoxHe seems very flexible.

#13) Jonathan Niese, Starting Pitcher, New York Mets
We had sort of an on-again/off-again relationship last year. I'm expecting it to be more of the same this year.

#12) Ike Davis, First Base, New York Mets
The picture says it all, really.

#11) Brandon Morrow, Starting Pitcher, Toronto Blue Jays
Considering I picked him fairly early, you'd think I'd have stronger feelings about him. I think he's, I don't know, fine? I was really stressed out at this point during the draft, so I probably just took him because ESPN had him ranked as the best available player. Panic is a really great way to run a team.

#10) Pablo Sandoval, Third Base, San Francisco Giants
That's right, he loves baseball so much--he put a ring on it! Meet the 2012 World Series MVP and my third baseman, Pablo Sandoval.

#9) Mariano Rivera, Relief Pitcher, New York Yankees
Best. Closer. Ever. Added bonus for being the last active player to wear the greatest number in baseball.

#8) Jonathan Papelbon, Relief Pitcher, Philadelphia Phillies
I have a suspicion that Papelbon is an enormous douchebag, but sometimes in sports (as in life) we must work with terrible people with a lot of talent in order to succeed. I'm not here to make imaginary friends--I'm here to dominate a make-believe sport.

#7) Jason Kipnis, Second Base, Cleveland Indians
I'll be okay with Kipnis as long as he wears this cap and not the one with the other hateful logo.

#6) Matt Holliday, Outfield, St. Louis Cardinals
Seriously, the MLB is one beer blast away from turning into a bear bar.

#5) Jacoby Ellsbury, Outfield, Boston Red Sox
The draft clearly wasn't going well for me if I sank so low as to take someone from the hateful Red Sox. Still, I like the Fosse moves and jazz hands while running the bases.

#4) Jose Reyes, Shortstop, Toronto Blue Jays
I wish Reyes was still a Met. Oh well... Happy to have him anyway.

#3) Bryce Harper, Outfield, Washington Nationals
I love how my Bryce Harper loves playing baseball. He is really fun to watch. Plus, he seems like what my father would call "a good egg" and his Tweets (@bharper3407) are adorable.

#2) Justin Verlander, Starting Pitcher, Detroit Tigers
Just because it's an obvious pick doesn't mean there's no strategy behind it. I will use Verlander to get inside my opponents heads and make them fear me. Bonus: Verlander is down with the gays.

#1) Joey Votto, First Base, Cincinnati Reds
Sigh...

These 23 men are the foundation of my pretend sports empire this summer. Stay tuned for updates.

Go Get 'Em, Tiger!

So, Justin Verlander was asked how he'd feel about having a gay teammate. He said he'd be cool with it.


(The "gay question" comes around the 1:50 mark.)

Justin Verlander was on my fantasy baseball team and he was also on my fantasy baseball team, so it's nice to know he's down with the gays. Still, I think it's hilarious that in the wake of the Big Gay Super Bowl, every professional athlete is apparently going to be asked about having teammate who's a little light in the cleats. While I don't usually like to compete in the Oppression Olympics and compare homophobia to racism, in this case I think it is instructive to think how ridiculous it would be for a reporter to ask an athlete if they would be okay playing with a black teammate.

While "researching" this post, I found my new favorite tumblr: justin verlander's butt.

You're welcome.